ROMANTICALLY AVAILABLE. OPERATIONALLY COMPLICATED.

APPARENTLY MY TYPE IS NUANCE

it’s funny how when you close out one initiation in life and walk away with lessons, the level-up, the confidence that you finally have a good baseline — you got your shit together, etc. — and then you meet someone new and they hold up a mirror just so you can see your new set of distortions.

Eye-level view of a serene park with a winding path

like, what the fuck is this all about?

we think we are in a stable enough place to start the next adventure. that initiation happens, and you are shown all of these dynamics about yourself that maybe your older self was oblivious to.

but now you’re in the new version, and you are like, “wow, i can’t believe this is me and how i’m showing up even though i literally just walked through the fire.”

i’ve been sitting with this for the last few days, and i’m shocked.

another thing about me is the paradox of craving deep intimacy with another human while desiring sovereignty and space.

think what it comes down to is this: i want to be in the energy of co-creation with somebody who also wants to be in the energy of co-creation. it’s a standard of wanting to be met at the level of depth i produce, but then how do i release that control or expectation?

nuance.

and yes, i am deep enough to realize everything i desire is already in me, but i am mf human. i want to be desired. i want to be special to them. i want them to see my uniqueness lol (i wanted to say crazy big energy, but that sounds toxic).

so i guess the real question is: how do you remain sovereign while allowing yourself to be activated, or how do you desire intimacy without confusing it with access, dependence, or loss of self?

my big red flag is hyper-independence, and i will jokingly say it’s not my fault because i wasn’t attuned to as a kid. i adapted and became self-reliant because if i could rely on myself, nobody could fuck me up.

so now its my responsibility to recognize my hyper-independence, aka my avoidant attachment style, in all of my relationships — work, friends, and dating.

nuance again, because vulnerability isn’t sharing personal things; i do this with too much ease (maybe another toxic trait). but i feel vulnerable when i allow myself to want what i want, to receive what i need, and to become affected by someone else’s presence, all while releasing the grip of control.

so yeah, i feel like SJP in sex and the city sharing this, but maybe it’s relatable, or maybe it’s my way of emptying out.

what it all boils down to, according to my coaches and therapist, is this:

intimacy creates vulnerability — maybe you will be met, maybe not, or maybe you just need to stfu and ride the wave.

and then there’s enjoying the pleasure of it all from a space of your own centerpoint. also asking yourself: is this adding peace to my life, or stressing me out?